“The answer is within you.”
I’m sure you’ve heard this before. I didn’t necessarily disagree with the statement because I have known my Creator since the age of 4. So it stood to reason, since He has all of the answers and lives within me, then yep, the answer is within me… right?
As a recovering religious person, and also a recovering “I’m just spiritual” person, I do my best to be aware of my word choice. Words are the boxes of experiences that we have collected over time, and sometimes our box can be SO different than another persons box – even though the letters are the same. I have first-hand experience of certain religious words triggering me right into earmuff zone. I don’t want to hear whatever is about to be said no matter how enlightened or monumental. If the word has been used by certain people who I have lost respect for, the word has become tainted (something I am seeking reversal for).
In light of this phenomena I sometimes choose to use words like Universe, Creator, Divine Love, and so on in hopes that I would not turn someone off immediately because I use “God” or “Jesus”. It is so unfortunate that the beautiful Love of our lives has become a trigger-word – but I totally get it! Some greedy humans have utilized religion to control and manipulate others… So I don’t blame those who have a difficult time with this language.
After having my life fall out from under me due to my partner’s drug addiction (And Sometimes Life Breaks Your Heart), I somehow completed (and did well on) the LSAT, moved myself and my dog from South Lake Tahoe to Los Angeles, found a place to live, a roommate, a job, and created this new life for myself 4 miles from spectacular Venice Beach… Or so I thought.
During this time I was very distant from God. I thought He must have been mad at me… I mean, He had every right to be. I was “living in sin” with my boyfriend in South Lake Tahoe and I definitely wasn’t going to church. I went dancing a lot and drank beer. Maybe He liked that I worked for a Domestic Violence Agency – that was my way of serving after losing faith in the modern church. But either way, I was so broken after losing my best friend to drug-use; maybe I was mad at God and He was definitely mad at me…
The day Kelly convinced me to go to church with her, I went as a pity date. I dragged my feet… shaking in the car on the way. I was SO ANXIOUS. I did not want to be there… I watched the clock counting how many hours it would be til I was back home in my safe bed. We snuck our coffees in (ha!) and ended up seated smack dab in the middle of the sanctuary (<< trigger word). This church chilled my anxiety a bit because it is actually held in a theatre in Hollywood.. I imagine there must have been countless plays performed here in it’s prime. Now we all gathered here to meet with God; the naked paintings on the walls covered with cloth-cutouts… ha!
As the music began I stood there taking in the gorgeous sound. It was heavenly and I just listened. I could not even bring myself to sing. Suddenly, this overpowering weight covered me. Tears poured out of my eyes while my legs went weak. I leaned on the row of chairs in front of me, barely able to stand. During this moment, God revealed to me that I thought He was mad at me (because I and never really admitted that to myself – you know, pride)… He told me, “I’m not mad at you, I love you!” and then showed me how HE had brought me from Tahoe to L.A., revealing His coordination of every piece. He mended my heart, and reminded me how much He LOVES me. I had been so ashamed. I felt like a failure because I had given this boyfriend multiple chances. People thought he would relapse and they were right. I felt ignorant for believing him when he said he’d never go back. And I believed that God was so disappointed in me because of my foolishness.
That day, the answer did come from within me, but not from my inner voice. My inner voice said I was gullible, stupid for believing him, a screw-up. But the voice of my Creator sent a message that would have never come from my own mind. I was ashamed, hurt, broken, and disappointed in myself. He brought forgiveness, and the revelation that the forgiveness was already done (look at my life in L.A.!) – not only that, but He was PROUD of me, and He BROUGHT me into my new dream life. And life has never been the same since this day. So yes, sometimes the answer is within you, and then sometimes you need to hear the Truth from your True Love.
{If you’ve never experienced a love encounter like this, I would encourage you to ask your Creator to reveal Himself to you; to show you things that you aren’t seeing.}
Shyne 